


The Swallow: The Hockey Special

by orphan_account



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, The Swallow, blatant objectification, hockey butts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4899934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was really only a matter of time before Samwell's most beloved gossip rag got right down to the point. After all, Jack said it best: "Hockey is a sport where you squat a lot."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Swallow: The Hockey Special

**The Definitive Ranking of Samwell’s Best Hockey Butts**

_Anonymous_

 

A foreword:

Butts are like art, and I consider myself a connoisseur of both. They are unique, they are subjective, and most importantly, they should never be compared as a means of judging quality. Calling one ass better than another is akin to saying a Rembrandt is better than a Picasso—doing so is a disservice to both.  However, once you delve into the world of critique quality craftsmanship should never go without praise.

Samwell Men’s Hockey cranks out asses to make any grown human weep like that’s its primary function.  Sure, we all know that the football players in their spandex uniforms are packing some excellent glutes, but what these boys are hiding under all their padding and keeping diligently on ice is something special.  So, here I present to you the best of the best.

 

_Editors’ note: We are aware that there are 23 men on the hockey team, but even after extensive research we could not compile a complete roster.  We reached out to Coach Hall, who commented, “I won’t subject any more of my team to the Johnson effect.  There is definitely the requisite number of players for a college hockey team, and that’s all you or anyone else needs to know.”_

 

**12\. William “Dex” Poindexter:**

Now, even the worst hockey butt trumps the best butt of any mere mortal’s, and while Dex’s cute patoot is nothing to sneeze at, even the Beatles had some songs that were just okay.  Dex is a freshman on the team, and I’m sure he’ll develop some better back in the coming years, but as of now there’s just no _oomph_. Undeclared, Dex spends a lot of time in the computer labs, and while his ass is firm enough to bounce an entire pocket’s worth of spare change off of it, there’s no curve to speak of; no give; no pliability.  It reminds me of a vintage Eric Bittle but without the added charm of a cute accent and omnipresent pastry.

 

**11\. Ollie O’Meara:**

Yeah, I don’t really know who he is either.  But I’d give his ass a solid 7/10 just on reputation.

 

**10\. Shitty Knight:**

For a man who may or may not have a first name, he certainly leaves little else to the imagination.  While many a freshman may feel aflutter the first few times they get a glimpse of Shitty’s (admittedly nicely rounded) white posterior, by second semester it’s old hat. To everyone else, it’s a little tiresome.  Far be it from us to put a moratorium on attractive men wandering around in the nude, but with Shitty, some of the magic is just gone.

 

**9\. Pacer Wicks:**

Okay, you guys definitely know this one.  He’s the other forward who wings when Bitty’s on the bench? He’s like, tall? Decent flow?  Kind of big?  Bueller?

Whatever. I totally felt him up at a party, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  Very firm glutes.

 

**8\. Adam “Holster” Birkholtz:**

Adam is the boy you want to take home and introduce to your parents. He wears glasses, he’s only thrown pie once in public, and he’s read Harry Potter probably more times than you have. Holster will make a Top 40s playlist no other boy can touch (we all love Eric Bittle but his devotion to Beyoncé is starting to concern us), he will watch Property Brothers with you until you’ve concocted the perfect plan to get Drew and Jonathan to be your new best friends, and it will probably have been his idea in the first place.

This level of bae perfection comes at a price, I’m sad to say; a price many would argue is too steep to pay.  Holster’s not all that bootylicious.  I’ll again cite my “no hockey player has a bad butt” postulate because Holster is definitely gifted with a posterior to be proud of.  It’s just that, as we near the pinnacle, pretty good just doesn’t cut the mustard.

 

**7\. Derek “Nursey” Nurse:**

Another freshman on the team, Nursey has taken to the hockey butt much more readily than his fellow froggy d-man.  He’s achieved the lowercase d shape to which most only ever aspire, and he’s done it all while only telling every last one of us to chill four or five times. Sure, I’m not alone in having wanted to strangle him the third time he showed up late to my seminar smelling like stale weed, but there are few things that can’t be forgiven with the lackadaisical swagger of a bottom as it exits the classroom a full five minutes before the class is officially over.

 

**6\. Larissa “Lardo” Duan:**

No, Lardo is not actually on the Samwell Men’s Hockey team. She is, however, their manager, and I would feel personally remiss if I did not include this fine piece of ass. Let’s face it; Samwell’s one-in-four reputation is fairly earned.

 

**5\. Justin “Ransom” Oluransi:**

Whether you’ve got a gravity-defying view of the booty during one of his impressively frequent keg stands (I’m going to write a love sonnet to the person who began the SMH kegster tradition solely for the novelty of seeing a prime hockey butt suspended upside down) or you’ve caught a glimpse of Ransom’s finals fetal curl behind as he rocks back and forth reciting Linnaean taxonomic criteria, you know Ransom’s got some junk in his trunk.

I have it on good authority that Ransom’s ass is so fine that it has transcended the mortal realm.  Let it be known that the competition for Best Hockey Butt is so stiff that a behind that has communed with the dead (Mandy and Jenny send their love) has only just squeaked into the top fifty percent.

 

**4\. Chris “Chowder” Chow:**

My authorship is anonymous entirely because of this controversial entry. There are no fewer than seven varsity athletes who would do me bodily harm if they knew my identity after confirming that I’ve done some serious looking at this young man’s butt.

Chowder is the dark horse competitor for sure.  Chowder is also an angel, as pure as the newly fallen snow. To be quite frank, I want to plow him just the same.  Don’t let the braces and the easy flush fool you; Chowder can fall into a full split _on command.  In denim._ His _entire role_ on the team is to crouch for hours on end, the monotony of his squatting broken only by _lunging for the puck_.  If the rumor mill is to be believed, Chowder is also the only Samwell hockey player who is currently off the market.  Caitlin Farmer, I salute you.

 

**3\. John Johnson:**

I’m sure many an astute reading of _The Swallow_ will point out that Johnson is no longer on the team. Congratulations on your excellent grasp of continuity!  However, given his unprecedented four year streak appearing in Samwell’s 50 Most Beautiful, I felt it necessary to give him a shout out in this end-all be-all of lists as well.  (I hear you, oh pedantic reader reminding me that Johnson has been dating the same girl since his sophomore year—meaning Chowder is not the only player off the market. I hear you, but I would like to remind you that Johnson is not technically a player anymore.)

 

**2\. Jack Zimmermann:**

The mann.  The myth. The legend.  It brings me physical pain to commit to text the once unthinkable—Jack Zimmermann does not have the best butt in the world. It’s a close thing, and its reign as the greatest was long and glorious.  Rather than mourn the upset, this entry will be dedicated to celebrating the silver.

The twitter is an outlet for Wellies and civilians alike who can’t contain their admiration for the sheer hockey butt perfection.  For those of us who haven’t had the luck to share a class with Jack, or for all of us who will be left behind when he graduates this spring, there will always be this compilation of grainy game photos and Cosmo mentions to turn to.

Words can’t capture the rounded, firm perfection that is Jack’s behind, but with the double whammy of genetics (a professional athlete and a model are the genetic jackpot) and a lifelong devotion to the sport of the ass-sculpting gods, it’s no wonder that Jack Zimmermann is second only to one.

 

**1\. Eric “Bitty” Bittle:**

Anyone who saw Eric Bittle his freshman year at Samwell would read this entry and laugh.  Alternately, they might still be so upset at my ranking of Mr. Zimmermann that they’d consider causing me grievous bodily harm.  Bitty is five feet seven inches of adorable southern charm and dance pop, and prior to this year it wasn’t just his height that was too diminutive to be believed for a hockey bro.

Bitty himself has always lamented his “tiny but toned” butt, starting the revolutionary hashtag #BetterBittyBootyBureau in the name of shaping up. Around this time, something amazing happened.  The celestial alignment of more play time, squats with Ransom and Holster (be still my heart and overactive imagination), and a sharp escalation in baked goods output have granted Bitty’s wish.

I could wax on for ages about this new and welcome development. Not only has Bitty grown himself a bubble butt, but his habit of dressing it in short shorts strikes a happy medium between the standard jock saggy-cargos look and Shitty’s preferred nothing.  He dresses well, and he comes in a much more compact, more easily portable size than the standard hockey player.  If one were so inclined, they could very easily throw Bitty over their shoulder and take him and his ass home for the night.

Perhaps the most notable thing about Bitty—and the thing for which he deserves the most praise—is that he feeds his boys.  Eric Bittle isn’t just a beautiful human being; he’s brought up his entire group average.  It hasn’t gone unnoticed to this enterprising journalist that the hockey team on the whole is sporting a little more meat on their collective bones.  Meals made with love rather than the boil-in-a-bag cafeteria stews have added more cushion for the pushin’.   The entirety of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team has put on relationship weight, and shortly after finishing my sonnet, I will be writing a formal thank you letter to Eric Richard Bittle for this delightful turn of events.

           


End file.
